Whether you think school vouchers are venomous or virtuous, they are the current compass of state government.

Bob Schwartz

Whether you think school vouchers are being exalted or extorted, Gov. Gary Johnson has made them the legislative laser of the Land of Enchantment. Whether they will promote education or pulverize it, vouchers will be our political valedictorian for the remainder of the Johnson years.
     Despite this debate, vouchers are not all that new. We already issue vouchers for food, medical care, rent and methadone.
     The problem is, we don't wave the wand of vouchers over our woes often enough.
     Here is how school vouchers will work: New Mexico's education budget is calculated by multiplying the total number of students by a fixed per-student cost. The next time you are in the supermarket with your kid, run their head over the scanner. They should ring up at around $3,000.
     The governor wants to write parents a check for that amount, redeemable at any school they choose, public or private. Johnson has an evangelical belief that the resulting competition between schools for that privately held public dollar will revolutionize education.
     So why isn't the governor promoting vouchers to solve some of our other problems? My good friend, colleague and ACLOA actor and director Joe Paone has suggested we create a program of prison vouchers. The plan is to give every convicted criminal a voucher for the cost of their incarceration, which they can redeem at the private or public prison of their choice. The competition for this voucher should improve our correctional system.
     Imagine having Dale Carnegie grads for guards, happy hour, showers scheduled separately, and "last meals" every night. Prison will become so plush that escapees will be foolish, and suspended sentences will be routinely refused.
     In some cases, we could even offer a prison voucher instead of a school voucher and save an extra step.
     Vouchers could vanquish crime itself. We already know the average cost of police, prosecution, public defenders and court time per criminal. Just issue a voucher in that amount to various crooks as an inducement to simply stay at home. A couch voucher!
     Of course, once we have the prison voucher system, it may make more sense to be in custody than out of trouble. So as an added incentive to the couch voucher, we can offer a beer voucher. Just bring in your empties. An ammo voucher will work the same way.
     We don't want to overlook economic development either. Since the core of our state's economy is now in the casinos, we could simply pay the amount of annual family income that is lost because of gambling to gambling families. To the merchants who have lost business to the casinos, cut them a commerce voucher for the amount of revenue lost. The key: allow these vouchers to be redeemed only at the blackjack tables and roulette wheels of our state.
     Through casino competition, we will have helped families, the small-business owner, the state's coffers and, most importantly, the complimentary all-you-can-eat buffet. Maybe the prime rib will no longer taste like it's from a cow that was found dead in a pit boss's trunk.
     Let's not neglect the underlying cause of welfare, namely sperm. New Mexico should propose a vasectomy voucher. We could offer men the total cost to feed, clothe and care for a child, if they agree to go to any of the centers that will spring up to redeem the vasectomy voucher.
     How about the homeless? Give them a SunTran voucher. The system needs the subsidy, the bus is empty, and the homeless can use that rack on the front of the bus for their shopping carts.
     The variety of vouchers is endless.
     The Legislature has already voted down school vouchers -- again. But maybe if we open all our ills to the solution of vouchers, someday will we take the "ouch" out of vouch.
     
     Schwartz is an Albuquerque writer, lawyer and former district attorney in Bernalillo County. His column runs in the newspaper on Thursdays.